What should you do? What should happen? Certainty is something we are both oversupplied with and yet never have enough. You order a uber and it says it should reach you by x time. You study, polish your resume, and apply to jobs, and you should get one right? Our words and our language are meant to approximate the reality around us, the feelings we have, and the ways we think. Do we acknowledge that this is also a two way street? How we talk about the world and our experiences shapes us more than it can directly shape the world around us. With this I reflect on what my relationship is to what “should” have happened at this point in my life.
Should is not a law
- Should and have-to are just someone’s opinion. Sometimes it’s ours, often it’s inherited.
- We still run our lives by them and give them a lot of power
- Where your shoulds came from: church, family, career, the internet
So much of what should happen or what we should do, come from outside of us. When I turn the faucet on, water should come out. Not only has this happened many times before but knowing the people working in the water department, I generally live in the world where water should come from the faucet. But this isn’t built on some kind of law but on my understanding how the place and city I live in functions. Not that I wouldn’t be surprised that one day the water didn’t come, but instead that I understand it to be something predicated on systems that are up and functioning. But how far do these should’s extend outside of the public utilities?
- This person should act this way
- If I call this person they should pick up
- If I gain this qualification I should get the job
- My life should be peaceful
- I did nothing wrong, my life should be easy
Where did this come from? Does it really know?
The hidden contract
”- “If I do X, then Y should happen.” Should quietly turns effort into a demand on reality.
- When Y doesn’t come: resentment, shame, feeling cheated
- Take should out and hope can happen. The same action, held open-handed.
- Possible tie-in: the Pill Game idea that no philosophy can promise outcomes over what you don’t control
Weather it’s from society, family, or some random opinions online. Where it comes from is secondary to what is said and done. If we fixate on who “lied” to us we are still trapped in this notion that we can have certainty, that if we do the right things blessing will rain down. We look for a new rain god to pray to.
Instead what I think about more is how I can at least recognize that I am indeed praying for rain. It’s not that the rain will come but that instead that I hope it will. In the end, I have from experience seen where my efforts led to nothing. While my lackluster effort has led to more rain than I can deal with. When should doesn’t work, what comes?
- resentment
- shame
- a sense of betrayal
- frustration
Yes, and
Can we rid ourselves of the above? I think not but perhaps we can hope for it instead. Between a deterministic and nihilistic worldview, there exists the real lived experience from the first hunter gatherer and the uber driver working late nights. I rarely get there but when I try to live intentionally away from the notions of either/or, should/shouldn’t, this or that. And instead accept both/ yes and: two binaries can exist in the same fact, thing, and especially persons. Yes, we can question the world and what it seems to do, but in the end the world remains while we will pass on. You can’t really outlast the world in asking it “why?” when it’s you on the timed test of you asking it what you will do.
Accept “ok fine” as the only real prayer one can make with certainty. That is to embrace imperfection, let go of control, and accept the messy unfinished project that is my life, your life, and our stories.
There’s a world, worth living in and one that none of can escape. It’s both happy and sad, it has opportunity and robs us of it all the time, it’s both fair and predictable yet all you can really do is hope for things and experiences, never be guaranteed them.
Swapping
When I briefly look at what I believe should happen and swap in what I can hope for, things change. What I offer becomes less of a trade and more of an aspiration, something that might surprise me.
| What I do | What should happen | What I can hope for |
|---|---|---|
| Work hard | Success, adoration, a “place” in society | Collaboration, being seen |
| Be “good” | People are good to me | Something interesting happens |
| Water my plants | A thriving garden with lots of produce | Reckoning with the fact that plants are not machines |
The same works outward. A “should” aimed at another person is often an attempt at control. Curiosity, or an honest request, usually does better.
In Closing
In doing and saying all of this I don’t see the removal of standards or giving up what I do from the should categories in my life. I’ll still do my personal and professional obligations. But my expectations are lessened, and in that my burdens are loosened. I’m sure I will forget this tomorrow but as in everything writing it down helps.